i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
