I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
