please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Send help, water and tortillas.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
