Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
