i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
