do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
