i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
