It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
