Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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