I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
