mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
