I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My cat gives me a boner
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
