as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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