Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
