life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
