i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
