Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
