Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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