In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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