I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
