If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
our cab driver is having phone sex.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
