I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
