Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
