This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
