My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
