A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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