i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
