is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
