Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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