i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
