He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
