I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
