Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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