so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
