So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
