I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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