I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
