I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
