I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
