My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
