Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
