70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
