If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Randomize
