your parents love me but you hate me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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