on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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