Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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