Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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