Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
