I wish my penis had an off switch
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
