3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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